my pregnancy journey

Today I am having contractions less than 10 minutes apart. They are wonderfully grounding. I feel more connected to my vajayjay than ever before. Every rush I feel begins around the cervix and then expands to the entire uterus, like a warm embrace around baby. The brillant design of it feels outside myself, yet I know this is the me I am just less familiar with. This mystical, luminous, prolific, willowy me I want to know more about.

We don’t know when baby is due. July 13, June 30, June 11 are all decent possibilities. We’re leaning into intuition at this point. The midwives, our doula, Thomas and I. Wondering daily. When I started pre-labor nearly three weeks ago I was agitated by the contractions and a percieved lack of ‘progress’. As I look back over these weeks, especially since I stopped working, I recognize that progress needed a larger lens. The spiral is evolving. It’s not linear and it’s not circular it’s progressive. And today is just the most active day thus far, but may not be the end either.

This is my second pregnancy. I thought it would be easier. Now, as I near the end, I wouldn’t label it as easier… something closer to expansive. It literally opened me, grew me up, pushed all previous definations and limitations out the window. The first trimester took it’s toll in physical sickness, making me question my resolve for this choice. The second trimester spread wide open mental and emotional patterns that kept me small and afraid. The third trimester insisted that I surrender addictions to perfection, success, expectation and planning.

What I learned in all of this is that there is no one solution or practice to help change yourself. Nutrician, exercise, mental affirmations, prayer, being with nature, and tending to healing old wounds all intereact with one another to create opportunities for transformation.

One example, I was around 37 weeks, my belly was cramping after a long walk, a yeast infection was at it’s peak, I was constipated and had hemorrhoids. My water intake was low, meditation felt foggy that morning, I was angry at my job and the disgraceful maternity leave standards the USA has.

I threw myself on the bed, exhausted…. and sobbed. I shouted into the pillow: “I fuckin’ hate this! What is it that you want from me!? I surrender! There is nothing more I can figure out or fix. Please God, angles, guides, ancestors…help me…help me…”

And the answer that I heard was an invitation to simply let go.

Let go of the idea of having to heal the yeast without drugs.

Let go of the desire to start labor by walking 2 miles a day.

Let go of the anger around policy and fear about finances.

Let go of judging your meditation.

And most of all…stop pooping so damn hard!

I started to breath slower then. There was a moment of deep insight on the current level of resistence between my mind and body. This conflict was creating misery. Yet it didn’t have to exist. I could give the mind a back seat to this rodeo and allow the body to lead.

But the truth was I  (my mind) didn’t trust my body. That’s why it was so challenging to let go. It didn’t feel simple at all. I had to pick at it, a little bit at a time, everyday. Some days meditation helped. Other days I couldn’t quiet the mind for 5 seconds. Some days a slow walk in the park was the perfect calming balm, other days it felt worse than gym exercise. Some days I felt organismic devouring the organic watermelon and strawberries, other days all I wanted to eat was Peanut Butter Fudge ice cream.

In the midst of it, I thought I would see progress as a committed exercise plan, or weight loss, or emotional stability. None of that shit ever showed up. But I do recognize progress, it just looks different.

  • I honor water before I drink or bathe.
  • I breath with contractions and welcome them as the energy wave it will take to reveal my baby to me.
  • I talk to the earth with my barefeet on the ground and hands touching trees.
  • I sing songs of forgiveness to my vagina.
  • I ask for help much more frequently from those around me.
  • I recognize the brilliance of timing that is beyond my mental comprehension and perspective. Yet somehow is deeply, deeply known.

So perhaps this is the most significant learning: how to shift my primary self-identification from soley my mind, and be more inclusive of the other forms of me: body, emotion, spirit. This requires my mind-self to humble itself and admit it doesn’t know and it doesn’t need to be the one to figure it out. This requires my body-self to purge previous negativity stored throughout itself as destructive bateria, cysts, fat and pain. This requires the emotional-self to examine the need for self-protection, passive agressive anger and shame so that they can align back into a natural state of ease, joy, and love. This requires my spirit-self to communicate to the all aspects of me insight into the larger perspective, the deeper reality, the formlessness of all of this so that we might dance in the pure exesy of it all.

With this self idenity I feel expanded. I feel comprehensive. I feel aligned to a child-self who knew all this before having to list it all out. And to the anscestors who lived within this knowing in balance and harmony. Perhaps it is a result of our ‘modern’ culture that praises the mental-self above all others that we create these psycological personality disorders that are so out of wack. Where ever it came from, it will be an ongoing journey to reach for inclusivity and balance. Perhaps that’s exactly what this pregnancy was meant to deliver to me.

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Manifesting. You in?

WhatAreYouManifesting

Life is pretty incredible when you think about it.

You’re breathing.

Thousands of electrical and web-based services are aligning perfecting in order for you to see and read these words.

The sun is shining. You may not see it from where you are, but it is. Always.

And the thoughts you had last week, or last year are probably showing up as form for you today. Hmmmm…maybe I’ll keep this post first-person and say they are for me.

Manifesting2

My journey with manifesting, transforming thought energy into form, has been incredible. There are lots of folks out there with various definitions and processes and many have influenced my experience, but I’m careful not to take any One description over my own experience. This shit is the definition of subjective.

I choose to experience manifestation as a partnership with my guardian angels, higher (more evolved) Self(s) and sweet infusion of power that is the ether of the Universe. My life here on Plaent Earth, is simply a collaborative art project we’re creating together, but which I have the delight in orchestrating.

I get to manifest colds, happy days, wealth, walks in the park, poverty, cramps, orgasms, poetry, and millions of other experiences, behaviors and states of being. Outside of my life I contribute to the energetic states of others and what they are manifesting based solely on their agreement or disagreement with what I’m putting into their mind. For example, I have a pretty strong minded six-year-old son. Sometime, however, he does believe what I tell him about himself. For example, one day I tell him he is so messy. Over the course of the next few weeks he starts to believe it and makes more unapologetic mess. And after complaining about it, reminds me that I was the one that told him he was messy.

Right.

This is what manifestation looks like in my life, even within my own head. I used to have have an internal story in my mind (well ok, it still plays from time to time) that I was fat. No matter what the evidence told me, I knew my thighs were too wide, but belly too bouncy and my butt too …well actually I was ok with having a large arse.

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At my heaviest I weighed 175. Some would say that’s not so bad for an active woman in her thirties. But I was ashamed by it. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Slightly angry at my seemingly inability to not…buy…the…damn…gummies….again.

Whenever I focused on losing weight, I gained more. I tried dieting and expanded. I tried new workout routine (although I confess was never 100% committed) which failed. I tried just cutting out junk food, which didn’t last past my next menstrual cycle. So I went back to what works for me: writing.

I journaled for a few months exploring the reason why I held on to this weight. Why was I manifesting heaviness? How did the pounds serve me? Was I protecting myself from the outside world in some way? If so, what was I afraid of?

This exploration paid off. Once I found the core reason for why I was manifesting weight (for protection) and told myself I’m ready to let that go, it began to dissolve. Of course, not overnight…but within a few months I was 20 pounds lighter, without a simple change to diet or exercise.

manifest

I share this story because manifesting is a gift. If we believe in the premise that we are creating our lives, then we have to accept that we created all of it. No that wasn’t easy to hear when I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 23. But it was empowering to utilize when I healed myself at 25 (seizure free since!).

Manifesting is an invitation to really explore what it is we think about our worth, our experience of balance in joy and in uncomfortable growth. I remember when nearly every area of my life felt like it was breaking down: my relationships, my finances, my profession (or lack thereof at that time), my sense of self. Yet there was one place I felt strong, in my ability to parent. And knowing that I felt strong and capable in that helped me to realign and trust myself (and my angel team) to rebuild my life.

einstein_quote

Today my life is incredible.

I have an awesome partner who adores me. Cucumbers growing in my garden. Delightful spaces to be vulnerable with those close to me. A gorgeous home with nourishing crystals. Financial security I only imagined was possible a few years ago. A deepening sense of awe for my self and this beautiful journey. And a break-dance loving little boy who delights in reminding me how to play.

Now it’s you’re turn. Tag! What are you manifesting today?

Emerging

I wrote a short song!

It feels like a huge accomplishment.

Sometimes the smallest opening

can open our heart wide enough for anything.

 Listen to it here.

~~~

Emergency
There is a disconnect.
Emergency
An internal fire.
Emergency
Old forms are breaking down.
Emergency
Who will come to save me?

Is there anyone out there
To calm my stormy seas?
The winds of change
And the quakes of new
Are opening, revealing
Exchanging and blooming
Emergency?
Emerge and See

Emerge and see
There is a reconnection
Emerge and see
The Phoenix rises
Emerge and see
New forms are taking root
Emerge and see
I’m transforming my Self

I am emerging
I am emerging
I am emerging
I am emerging

I am.

50 Shades of Graaaateful

I heard a talk yesterday (although it felt more like stand-up) by the incredibly talented Amy Stienberg. She titled it 50 Shades of Grateful and spoke on three levels of gratitude:

  1. gratitude for what you have,
  2. gratitude for what you don’t have and
  3. the ‘beingness’ of gratitude (gratitude for gratitude sake’s).

Every Thanksgiving we hear so much about how we should be grateful and to list it all out so that it’s in the spotlight of our awareness. But how do we practice gratitude for what is lacking in our lives? Or be in a state of gratitude when life is really difficult.

If you follow this blog, you know that I have been practicing gratitude as an art form for over ten years and incorporate it into my peace practice in a number of ways. Last year around Thanksgiving I hosted a call exploring how to develop inner peace and this year my focus is on gratitude. I invite you to join me in exploring:

  • Practical ways to practice being grateful for what is lacking in your life.
  • Easy steps to bring gratitude into your everyday life.
  • Experience the power of gratitude as more than a list, but as a honoring of who you really are.

So as you gather with friends and family this week, whip up your awareness by joining a conversation about all the shades of gratitude.

This hour call is open to anyone with a suggested love donation of $10. Here are the details. Email me at reimaginepeace@gmail.com to register and receive the conference call details.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

3pm Eastern / 12noon Pacific

Awakening

Inner Light

Awakening Fully

to the voice within

a sweet soul-stirring song

inviting me in

delighting in opulance

emanating from clouds

or as the very mist

that echos the sounds

a magic rooted deep

into Gaia’s soul

nudges me from slumber

of all I’ve been told.

“Arise, Awaken, Shine Your Light!”

yet i am still confused, overwhelmed by the bright

-ness of what naturally comes from me

that voice, that light

the resonance of truth

not the shame of night

So somehow I stand

determined, willing, committed

I am.

I Hope You Fall In Love

What a delight it is to be with LOVE!

Positive Outlooks Blog

I hope you fall in love with someone who always calls you back and never lets you fall asleep making you feel unwanted. I hope you fall in love with someone who holds your hand during the scary parts of horror movies and burns cookies with you while you’re both busy dancing around the kitchen.

I hope you fall in love with someone who tickles you and makes you smile on hard days and on easy ones. But beyond all that I hope you fall in love with someone who will never leave you behind and who will never take you for granted. Someone who will stand by you when you’re right and stand by you when you’re wrong. Someone who has seen you at your worst and loves you still. I hope you fall in love with someone who kisses you in the rain and hugs you when you’re…

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